Feelings

i don’t do feelings all that well. my girlfriend tells me that a lot. i know this to be true, and yet, i don’t really make the effort to change the fact that i don’t allow myself the pleasure of “emotions” all of the time. my achilles heel i suppose.

i’m actually feeling pretty good right now. and as i stated in my previous posting (see below), i’ve been going through some feelings of fear and confusion as of late. it’s to be expected, of course. i’ve never really had to deal with many problems during the course, unless of course you count my various financial difficulties.

speaking of finances… a strange thing just happened to me recently. i broke down and finally got a copy of my credit report, which is dismal at best. it mainly told me that i owe a lot of people a good deal of money. i suppose if i’m patient and i work hard, i’ll be able to pay off my debt soon enough. but anyways, that’s not what i wanted to discuss. anyways… on my credit report i discovered that a delinquent jcpenneys account somehow made its’ way onto it. i don’t really care for jcpenneys nor have i ever had a credit card account through them. the funny thing about this account is that it was establish in 1987. last time that i checked, i was 9 at the time. they give credit cards to nine years olds? i don’t think so. so i call jcpenneys today to figure out what the hell is going on and why i have an account showing up on my credit report. come to find out, there isn’t one, and somehow or another this damn card made its way on to the report. so now, i have to write a letter to equifax and to jcpenneys explaining how someone f*cked up and put this on my report.

so now i’m having to deal with this on top of everything else. fun huh?

’nuff bitching for now. i’m sure you’re tired of reading such ‘negativism’.

Superman No More

it’s early. i just got into work and i feel tired. i woke up early to go to the hospital for a blood pressure check. i haven’t felt all that great lately. i’m sure i hadn’t mentioned it before so i’ll go into a little detail with this…

my health sucks. i tried to give blood a couple of weeks ago, and was denied because my blood pressure was extremely out of whack. usually, it will run somewhere around 120/80 and that has been pretty consistent for me. when i was denied… my blood pressure was around 60/109. i was also running a temperature of 99.3º.

definitely not normal.

so, i scheduled an appointment with a doctor here at the local military hospital, where i still enjoy medical benefits through year’s end and i got a checkup done. my blood pressure was out of whack and my weight was way beyond what i thought i weighed.

well, maybe not beyond. but definitely beyond the point i wanted to believe that i weighed.

well, the doctor tells me that my condition is probably a result of the stress my weight has placed on my body. he also thinks it could be a genetic problem possibly as well. ( test all hypotheses we must!) so he schedules me for several blood tests. i’m still waiting on the results.

i’ve got a follow-up appointment scheduled for july 3, the day after i return from virginia, and an appointment with a nutritionist on july 6. between now and the 3rd, i need to get my blood pressure checked 5 times. this morning was the first in that series, and it looks promising… my diastolic wasn’t so high as it was… but my systolic was a little high… 150/83.

so now, i feel the most scared i believe i have ever felt. it’s not a good feeling and i’m concerned and so are my closest friends and family. i’m 22 years old and i thought i was invincible. i wasn’t prepared to deal with this crap.

i guess now i do.